Well does she want to feel like new?

Today the mandatory school "kiddies" went back to their classes in order to knock off another year in the realm of education. It felt really strange waking up today. In fact, I woke up at around 6:30, which is the usual time that I would wake up for school. It's like my body knows that I should be getting up to drive to school and that I'm not entirely over the fact that I'm not in high school anymore.

I start my classes in a week, and even though I'm not moving, it's still going to be something different. I have to drive over a hill for half an hour instead of arriving at my destination in 6 minutes. And as scared as I am for this chapter in my life to start, I'm also excited for it to happen. I think we are all ready to move on to bigger and better things. We all want to feel like new; some more than others. Some of our friends fell like they've already said what's needed to be said for them here, and that they need to move on. Even though it saddens me to see these people so ready to leave my friends and I, I know where they are coming from, and I think the feeling they have is completely fine. And if they feel like that, well then that just means they are ready for what's next, and I take my hat off to them. You, my friend, are very brave, and I know that you will do great things in your future; things that I hope to be able to witness someday.

Personally, I'm going to have some trouble tearing myself away from my comfort zone and moving on. It's not that I don't want to continue moving forward in the story of my life, it's just that I've always been a very cautious person, and it's hard for me to just jump into something new.

I remember when I was very young, my family was visiting my grandparents in Fremont. Their apartment was nestled right up against a train track, and whenever the train went by, it made an obnoxiously loud noise. I didn't like loud noises. So when the train did come by that day, when the back door was wide open, and blew it's horn and made it's noise, I ran to the couch and stuffed my head in between the cushions like an ostrich. And I think I've done that sort of thing my whole life, act like an ostrich. This next chapter in my life is going to be a very loud and obnoxious train, and it's going to talk all the willpower that I possess not to run to a safe place and hide away. Because you can't run away from life, just like you can't run away from sound. You can hide it, muffle it, tune it out, cover it up, and even fly faster than it, but eventually, it always finds you.

The trick is not to be afraid when it does find you. Aye, there's the rub.

I get it out, dig it deeper, just to throw it away.

Today I worked out for the first time in possibly a year or so. It was nothing like the workouts I used to do, either, but it felt great! I actually pushed myself a lot harder than I thought I could or usually do. I think that's one thing that I have always had trouble with; pushing myself farther than I feel like I can go. I think this is a really necessary quality to have, because it shows that you can do what you put your mind to even when your body, or your flesh, can't seem to go on. It's a quality to be proud of, in my opinion, and I'm going to try and work on it as much as I can.

And what is your name?

I always hate when I find out something about my friends that I don't like. What I dislike even more is the fact that when I find this stuff out, I tend to feel let down. I think it's because I really put a lot of trust into my friends, and when I find out they've been lying to me, or just leaving out information that would be nice to know, I feel disappointed. I shouldn't. I mean, it's not really my place. People have the right to act however they like and do whatever they want. But as much as I know this is just how life is, it bugs me.

I'm not a normal teenager. I'm much less curious about normal teenage things, like alcohol and drugs for one, and I tend to focus on the good in people, and completely ignore the bad. It needs to change, but at the same I don't want to change because I like the way I am. I want to mature, yes, but I don't want to lower my standards or expect different things from my friends, even though I know I'll be let down.

So here is my goal: Find a way to mentally accept the decisions my friends make without lowering my standards of what friends I choose. And without doing what my friends do in order to accept them. It's going to be hard, I think, but sometimes I feel like I'm not up to speed on what people do these days. I guess I'm just not sure. Hmmmm.

Children, wake up.

Interesting how life works, huh? How you can go from being in this awesome mood for a few weeks, then feel crappy for a few, and back up to that sweet spot for a while? It really is fascinating. You know, there's this place I like to be at with my life. It's really easy to describe, in fact so easy that I don't feel I need to describe it to you because I bet you get exactly what I'm saying.

My previous english and drama/film studies teachers would be very proud of me for this, but I feel as if this summer has been a "hero's journey" for me. Now, I won't bore you with details, but I indeed had a call to action and mentor. I absolutely had a threshold, and it had a guardian. I definitely had an abyss, a redemption, and a return home. At the beginning of the summer I felt like I was at this sweet spot, and then it left me. For a while I was in the "abyss" and I need to find some sort of life line to get me out of there. I did, and now I'm back to where I was, in that rightful place I love so much. And do you know how I know I'm there? By what I said tonight.

Tonight I reflected on a very normal, very common night and realized just how much I enjoyed myself. "Tonight was fun". In the language of Pryzstowskism, that means that I'm happy. That I'm not necessarily in my comfort zone, but I'm not necessarily out of it either, but no matter which way you look at it, I'm not uncomfortable. I feel like I'm ready to start something new. As a good friend of mine said tonight, "I'm going to miss nights like this, but it's time for a new beginning."

That it is, my friend, that it is. It's time we realized why we graduated high school in the first place. It's time we woke up and realized that we're not children anymore, and as much as we would love to go back in time to when things were much more simple, we have to move on to a place where things are even more complicated. And I think I'm finally ready. I love all of my friends that have gotten me this far, but I think it's time that we buckled our seat belts and started the trip already.

It really is funny how attached you can get to people, isn't it? I wonder if God ever sat down and said to himself, "and I want to make sure that when they go their separate ways, they really feel it deep down. I want them to know that this is how you should love one another. By longing for their next greeting, even before the last one has ended."

"What happened?"

"You know how it feels. . . when all your teeth are falling out? And at first you don't notice, but then you do and you find out that they're really far apart. . . And then one day. . . You don't have any teeth anymore. Yeah, it was like that. . ."

~Carol, a Wild Thing~

These Things

Well, nothing has really happened much since my last post.

I went to Tahoe with some of my friends this past weekend, and it was so much fun. Laying on the beach watching the sunset with them just seemed so unreal. It was like we are on the edge of something, and we knew something big was about to happen, but we were just enjoying the time that we had until it did happen. I guess that could be taken in both a good and a bad way, but either way, it was a great time had by all. My two friends Sara and Olivia, who both just happen to be italian, made us dinner while we were there. It was a delicious Alfedo Chicken meal with green beans and bread. Yum!

This was easily the best picture taken during the trip. We were all trying to pose as those laughing kids in the JC Penny's ads. I love my friends :)

Take it from me. Cause I've seen things that you've taught about.

"And to answer your question... Yes. Yes I'm missing you. What, are you surprised? Did you really think I would say something different? After all you've heard me say; after all you've seen me do, you think I would say differently. I think that, right there, is what I never understood about you. You always seemed to figure out every single minuscule detail that I tried to hide, yet you wouldn't know a grenade if it went off in your face. Is that a tactic or are you really that daft? No answer. You never answered my questions. Never. So now I'm here trying to answer yours; practically vomiting my insides all over this dirty, sweat-stained concrete, and you couldn't care less! You know how I know that? That you don't care?! Because you're not here... You're off somewhere in Chicago with the rest of your life paving a road of solid gold ahead of you. And I'm still here, still talking to this decrepit punching bag, still wishing I had never picked up this monster."