Dark is the way, light is a place.

Uhhmm, well I'm not really sure how I feel tonight. I'm extremely tired from today. Basically constant running around from 12:30 to 9:00, although I really should stop complaining. One of my closest friends has been acting really weird to me lately, and tonight she finally talked to me about it. I think we got somewhere, and I really like that we are trying to reconcile, but I still just feel sort of uneasy. I feel like if I try to act normal, like she wants me to, I'm just going to say something to make her upset again, and we will be right back to where we started.

I guess I'm just frustrated, plus I feel like although she got some huge monster off of her chest, I still feel totally in the dark about what I did to make her upset. I know I said something, I'm just not sure what. I just hope things can be good again.

I just don't know about a lot of my friends anymore. I love them all, but it seems like since we graduated high school, everyone's brain randomly imploded. It's like all of these people that I thought I knew for the past year suddenly "malfunctioned", causing them to think things that aren't true, find faults in people that they enjoyed about that person in the first place, or seemed have a total change in opinions and priorities. Or am I just describing the process of growing up?

Is this sudden, cataclysmic change that I see in most of my friends just the aftershock of the earthquake we call life? If so, then all I can say is that I wasn't prepared for it. I'm really excited to see what the rest of my life has in store for me, but sometimes I look back and wish I could relive some of my previous days. Les Mis rehearsals, Halloween parties, late night pranks, prom, and basking in the newly rediscovered Tracy snow before school. Sometimes I want to go back farther. Monticello Elementary School, hanging out with Mitchell at lunch by the tetherball pole, talking about Pokemon and Spongebob. Those were the simple days.

But as much as I loved those simple days, I don't want to go back to them permanently. In the here and the now, that's where I am, and I think it's a good place to be. I just want things to settle down.

"And they say 'settle down.' Settle down, waiting for that day to see, to see where you belong."

Well does she want to feel like new?

Today the mandatory school "kiddies" went back to their classes in order to knock off another year in the realm of education. It felt really strange waking up today. In fact, I woke up at around 6:30, which is the usual time that I would wake up for school. It's like my body knows that I should be getting up to drive to school and that I'm not entirely over the fact that I'm not in high school anymore.

I start my classes in a week, and even though I'm not moving, it's still going to be something different. I have to drive over a hill for half an hour instead of arriving at my destination in 6 minutes. And as scared as I am for this chapter in my life to start, I'm also excited for it to happen. I think we are all ready to move on to bigger and better things. We all want to feel like new; some more than others. Some of our friends fell like they've already said what's needed to be said for them here, and that they need to move on. Even though it saddens me to see these people so ready to leave my friends and I, I know where they are coming from, and I think the feeling they have is completely fine. And if they feel like that, well then that just means they are ready for what's next, and I take my hat off to them. You, my friend, are very brave, and I know that you will do great things in your future; things that I hope to be able to witness someday.

Personally, I'm going to have some trouble tearing myself away from my comfort zone and moving on. It's not that I don't want to continue moving forward in the story of my life, it's just that I've always been a very cautious person, and it's hard for me to just jump into something new.

I remember when I was very young, my family was visiting my grandparents in Fremont. Their apartment was nestled right up against a train track, and whenever the train went by, it made an obnoxiously loud noise. I didn't like loud noises. So when the train did come by that day, when the back door was wide open, and blew it's horn and made it's noise, I ran to the couch and stuffed my head in between the cushions like an ostrich. And I think I've done that sort of thing my whole life, act like an ostrich. This next chapter in my life is going to be a very loud and obnoxious train, and it's going to talk all the willpower that I possess not to run to a safe place and hide away. Because you can't run away from life, just like you can't run away from sound. You can hide it, muffle it, tune it out, cover it up, and even fly faster than it, but eventually, it always finds you.

The trick is not to be afraid when it does find you. Aye, there's the rub.

I'm having to let go.

Today, it hit me.

Earlier today, I attended what my friends and I call a Harry Potter Clue Smackdown! It's basically just a fun way for us all to get our competitiveness out. It consisted of 4 friends (one of those being an old teacher of mine) and I sitting in a Starbucks for four hours playing one of our favorite boardgames: Harry Potter Clue.

It was such a great time, and I loved it, but I realized something while I was there. You see, a few lines were thrown around. Stuff like "Oh, yeah, I forgot! You guys aren't in high school anymore!" and "It's college, they won't care." And it made me realize that we are starting our lives. We really aren't in high school anymore!

Since the end of the school year I've been dreading the day all of my friends leave for college, but today I came to find out that I'm ok with it. I've finally accepted the fact that people are going to be leaving me come September, and that's ok, because we all have our lives to live.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to step aside and just let friendships die. I'm going to spend this summer building my friendships and relationship to the best of my abilities, but when it comes time for people to leave, I'm going to let them go and try and continue our friendship as best as I can from afar. Sure, I'll still be devastated when they leave, but that's how life goes.

I'm ok with it. :)