Dive into a holy river and wash away my sins

I've had a hardcore song stuck in my head all day. Weird, I would say.

Despite none of my teachers from last semester bothering to use blackboard, I was able to figure out my statistics grade by shooting a quick email to my instructor. I already knew I didn't do well on the final, so it wasn't much of a surprise to me to see that I totally failed it. What got me was my grade in the class overall, which was a 68%. Luckily, my teacher's grading scale labels a C as anywhere from 77 to 66%. I got a low C.

Now, I have never been good at math. Actually, I take that back, I was good at math in fourth grade. You now, when 4 x 5 = 20? That kind of stuff. I have never nor do I believe I will ever be "good" at math; I will always just scrape by. And I am fine with that, as long as it allows me to get where I need to go ok.

The part about this grade that kills me is the fact that it looks bad. A low C looks like you, as the student, didn't really care about the class. Like you just did the homework when you could, didn't bother to look at the practice exams, and just goofed off in class. That wasn't me. This class was so important to me and I put so much work into getting every homework assignment done, doing all of the practice exams at least a few times, and taking the time outside of class to get together with classmates and study for hours.

And yet I got a low C. . . it irks me a bit. But if such a pitiful representation of all my hard work helps to gain myself access into a bigger and better school, then I'll take it. I'll take it using a pre-sanitized washcloth, of course, but I'll take it.

Shipwrecked

I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, but there really is no other choice. And if it helps in the long run, then it's worth it. But as of now, this is no fun.

"Often times, though, you get thrown so hard by these sudden changes that it seems it will be much too hard to recover."

I guess I knew what I was talking about when I said this.

I can almost see you.

Summer is just around the corner! I finished my first final today, which just makes me that much more anxious about the ones I have coming up. But if I can just power through all of the work and get them done, I will be done with my first year of college!

Strange that my first year is already almost done. It turned out a lot different than I thought it would, and that means I only have one more year left of junior college before I attempt to transfer to a bigger school and see how I fare there. It'll be a scary time, I know that, but not really scary in a bad way, if that makes sense. Just a lot different than what I've become used to the past two years. I think my only fear is staying involved, because that's when I have the most fun, is when I feel that I'm a part of something.

But before all of that, I have summer! I have a lot of expectations for this summer, and I'm just hoping they all come through in a good way. I plan on going to Disneyland with my family, which I always love doing. Then I have Vegas with my girlfriend's family, which will be so much fun! I get excited just thinking about it. Possibly a camping trip with a bunch of friends. Of course the regular school and work, but hopefully those will also play out in my favor.

I just want a good summer where I grow as a person. I think last summer let me down in many ways, but maybe this time around I will actually be able to say that I enjoyed the few months of fun before starting all the work again. But I think in order for me to really enjoy summer, I will need to work at things, and maybe try things a bit differently than usual. I just have to remember that I am my own person, and that I need to be my own person. If I can just remind myself of that, I think it will improve many aspects of my life, including the ones I've been struggling in over the past few months.

Finally. . . let's count how many times I said the word "summer" in this whole post.

Melting time like Dali

It's funny looking back at my earlier posts since I started this blog. I really have no direction for this thing. I open up the new post tab, and whatever I feel at the moment just comes spilling out. I tend to have really long posts because of this, so I'm going to try and keep this one short. Maybe I should try and find something to achieve with this blog? Or maybe it's fine just being the cerebral pot in which my mind spews whatever comes out?

That was a really gross analogy.

But looking back, it's curious how time works. I feel so much older than I did nine months ago, but at the same time, I don't feel very old now. I still feel like I'm really young and have so much more to learn than the usual person my age. Of course, I felt very old at the end of senior year, so it beats me as to why my maturity compass seems to be way off.

All I know is that so much can change in the course of a year, it's ridiculous. I must remind myself to never forget that.

Thursday I sign up for summer and fall classes. If I had been lucky and/or smart and had gotten a higher priority number, I wouldn't have to wait until thursday to register, and if that was the case, I also wouldn't be worrying about not getting the classes I want for this next semester. Pray it all goes well!

Make it long, make it last, make it cruel, just make me laugh.

The Pryzstowski Open was scheduled to hold its first game of the season today, but was canceled due to violent windstorms in the central valley area. So instead of playing tennis, the players decided to just go take a walk and chat.

And you know, I can safely say that one of the things I appreciate most in life is just simply walking with a good friend and talking about things that make us laugh.

I mean, it was everything from canine tactics when guarding territory to the Sham-Wow guy selling magazines in jail to that pink mustang and its driver that always seems to mug me when we play tennis. We just laughed about stupid stuff, and that's one of the greatest joys for me. I just love to laugh. I don't really see how I could get through life without laughter. It's a way that I deal with things; instead of brooding about a rough day, I try my best to joke about it. Big problems seem much easier to handle when laughed at. Big problems have low self esteem.

Sometimes I feel like the things I'm laughing about are immature for my age. I take a look from the opposite side of the room at a group of guys my age, and they all look the same. Black hats and t-shirts, jeans and sneakers, it's become a stapled look. There's nothing wrong with that, but there seems to be this sense of somber maturity that goes along with that style. That it's fine to laugh at something, it just has to be mature enough. Of course, I don't know them personally, so I could be very wrong.

Then there's also the possibility that my immaturity is what gives me this view point of the rest of our generation, and maybe it's that naivety that I need to outgrow. But if maturing means not laughing as much, then I'm really in no hurry for September to come around.

I guess the fact of the matter is that I know people who are successful adults, yet laugh at everything. It can be done, and I want to be one of those people.

I cannot change you; You'll never change.

Today I saw an old friend at work. Well, I wouldn't necessarily use the word friend. We were what I would have considered best friends for a while, but after entering into high school together, found that we each saw life in very different lights. There was a falling out, and unfortunately, that was that.

I didn't greet him or anything when I saw him. I tried to make eye contact, but as I wasn't the one bagging his groceries, that was sort of difficult. After that I saw him outside, and I could have said something to him, but what was I supposed to say? "Hey man, how have you been? Sorry that I haven't spoken to you in three years, but sometimes I just don't like to be involved with the sort of people you've become. Remember middle school? Good times, huh?"

Maybe I should have said something to just see what would happen. Who knows?

Besides that, however, today was a really good day. I got to experience something totally new, and I'm really glad I did. It was something that I needed to experience.

It's back to school tomorrow, and while my break wasn't the most exciting thing ever, I was looking forward to summer more anyway. Besides, break wasn't all bad! I just can't wait for this semester to be over, I'm ready for things to get at least a little more laid back for a while.

Losing You to You

"Ezekiel, come with me. You've seen some horrible things so far, I know, but I still want you to see more. Don't resist me, even though I know you won't. You're fully dedicated to me, and that brings so much joy to me. All this joy that I have feels somewhat squandered by what I'm about to show you, however.

Do you see what they've done to my home? No? Well, look right there, in the door way. Look at all that vile jealousy. The envy that they have for one another and the things of the world. It saddens me. Do you see now how they try to drive me out of my own home, Ezekiel? What have I done for them but love them, and yet they show nothing of the sort towards me.

Come over here, to the court entrance. This is going to be hard to show you, but you need to see this. Do you see this hole? Dig a foot or so deeper, and you can see all they have done in my home. Look at the priests, taking part in the destruction of their own lungs with incense pledged to others. The women, they cry for other providers. Look at those men, how they praise the morning light. As if that light was the true light.

How little they truly understand.

It disgusts me. I hate to be so disgusted with my own children, but what else is there left to feel? You've seen so much, Ezekiel, I only ask that you see a little more. You must understand that I cannot let these people continue to live. They are simply abominations now. There is no glory left in them. They have abandoned me, and they have abandoned all hope. I'm going to have to destroy them. I will not let any of them live, as much as I may want to.

You must understand, Ezekiel, that hearing the cries of my children in my ear is not something I long to hear, yet I must turn a deaf ear and a blind eye.

Do you see, Ezekiel?"

~Ezekiel, Chapter 8. As perceived by myself.