Dark is the way, light is a place.

Uhhmm, well I'm not really sure how I feel tonight. I'm extremely tired from today. Basically constant running around from 12:30 to 9:00, although I really should stop complaining. One of my closest friends has been acting really weird to me lately, and tonight she finally talked to me about it. I think we got somewhere, and I really like that we are trying to reconcile, but I still just feel sort of uneasy. I feel like if I try to act normal, like she wants me to, I'm just going to say something to make her upset again, and we will be right back to where we started.

I guess I'm just frustrated, plus I feel like although she got some huge monster off of her chest, I still feel totally in the dark about what I did to make her upset. I know I said something, I'm just not sure what. I just hope things can be good again.

I just don't know about a lot of my friends anymore. I love them all, but it seems like since we graduated high school, everyone's brain randomly imploded. It's like all of these people that I thought I knew for the past year suddenly "malfunctioned", causing them to think things that aren't true, find faults in people that they enjoyed about that person in the first place, or seemed have a total change in opinions and priorities. Or am I just describing the process of growing up?

Is this sudden, cataclysmic change that I see in most of my friends just the aftershock of the earthquake we call life? If so, then all I can say is that I wasn't prepared for it. I'm really excited to see what the rest of my life has in store for me, but sometimes I look back and wish I could relive some of my previous days. Les Mis rehearsals, Halloween parties, late night pranks, prom, and basking in the newly rediscovered Tracy snow before school. Sometimes I want to go back farther. Monticello Elementary School, hanging out with Mitchell at lunch by the tetherball pole, talking about Pokemon and Spongebob. Those were the simple days.

But as much as I loved those simple days, I don't want to go back to them permanently. In the here and the now, that's where I am, and I think it's a good place to be. I just want things to settle down.

"And they say 'settle down.' Settle down, waiting for that day to see, to see where you belong."

Quiet, Freedom Blade, I believe in your victory...

Today I got to hang out with a friend of mine today who I haven't seen in about two weeks. That's actually not that long of a time, but it seems like it was. So much has happened in the past two weeks, It seems like time has slowed down a lot. And nothing too dramatic has happened, it's just been a lot of new stuff. Anyway, we were talking, and he was saying that lately in all of his poetry, the only thing he can seem to write about is his friends. I thought this was curious, because I haven't been able to stop thinking about my friends either. Be it day dreams, stories, blog posts, or reminisces, all I can seem to think about lately are my friends.

It's a good thing, I guess, because it shows how much they meant to me, but it gets a little annoying when you are trying to write a blog and the last 10 posts were about your friends leaving. Sure, we get it, they are going to be out of your life, now get over it. But it's really not as easy as that. So until I can find some way to be done with these posts about my friends, I wanted to just put it out there that the night of stargazing was probably the most memorable instance I've had with my friends. Yes, recently, but also of all time.

That night was just so fantastic, because it was just us. We drove to Mountain House at around 11 at night and stayed there until about 2 in the morning. There was a meteor shower occurring that night, and being in a very dark park made it easy to see the stars. It was supposed to be freezing cold, but it wasn't really that bad, so the weather wasn't distracting. It was just us, admiring this marvelous creation that we call our home. Not just the planet, no, but the surrounding masses and constellations that we just can't seem to get to. But I remember feeling perfect that night. I felt safe. I felt happy. I felt hopeful. I felt infinite. I loved that night.

Recently, I've been listening to this great post-rock band, This Will Destroy You, and I think I like them even better than Explosions in the Sky, which is saying something. But they have one song that just brings me back to stargazing every time I hear it. It's called Freedom Blade, and even though I really do not like the name so much, the actual song is beautiful and is one of my favorites. You should really look it up in YouTube or iTunes, because it's worth giving it a listen to. I love making emotion connections with pieces of music, because it reminds me that music isn't just entertainment, it's a way of communication that everyone can relate to. I think that's why I love instrumentals so much, though, because there is an absence of lyrics that lets the listener decide what the song means, instead of the artist telling them what it means.

Oh, and by the way, the other two songs in the title of this post, Quiet and I Believe in Your Victory, are also very good songs to take a look at!

Quiet

I've had a lot on my mind lately. College, friends, girls, work, and free time. That's basically what has been going through my head as of late. I guess it's sort of the usual, but at first it was just college and friends, but of course things couldn't stay as simple as that. Because that's life!

You know, I've always thought the saying "Life sucks, and then you die" to be both hilarious and incredibly stupid at the same time. Life sucks for those downer people, and then they add in the "and then you die" part for more added effect. I don't think life is really as bad or as simple as that saying may suggest, but I do agree that life takes very unexpected turns, and more often than not, at the least convenient of times.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she said that she needed to appreciate what she has and be happy with it. She was using the term very lightly, but I think I really need to focus on that. I've been very ungrateful with the things I've been given lately, and I need to shape up and appreciate those things. So I'm going to :)

I start my job tomorrow! I'm very nervous, but I think everything is going to be just fine. I just need to keep a cool, clear head and learn the basics well so that I can make things easier for myself. Let's make some money!

If you can hold on, hold on.

Yet another member of my family of friends leaves for college tomorrow. She's the first one to be moving fairly far away, and because of this she was the first one of my friends I actually visited to say goodbye to. She's going to be living in Los Angeles from now on, and she is going to have a blast. An artist and visual arts major at a film school? Yeah, that's like Agustus Gloop and the Wonka Factory, or in other words, heaven. I'm gonna miss her along with all of my other friends that are gone or leaving.

But you know, today I had a video chat with one of my friends in college, and it made my day. I think just still being able to communicate with someone effectively who doesn't live in Tracy anymore made me feel a lot better. It's really hard for me to do that, but maybe that skill has been improved as I've grown.

I start my job on Friday, and I'm both excited and nervous. I want to enjoy my job, but really I just want to make money so I can get life going. Well that's it for today.

Fools.

I was reading the Bible today, in the book of Luke. In that book, there is a very controversial verse where Jesus is trying to teach the multitudes about Him and the Word. The verse reads, "Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, 'If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.'" Luke 14:25-26

I think the crucial thing that people find controversial is the use of the word hate. These days, we use that word to express a feeling of great loathing or otherwise disgust with some sort of person, place, or thing. So when we see anything that tells us to hate out family, we tend to get a little wary of what this idea may be suggesting. Because of this, people look at this verse and say "Oh, well, the Bible tells us that we should hate our parents, our siblings, and even ourselves!"

The only problem is, people are looking at this word hate in the present tense. Hate was used much differently back then, and was actually used to refer to one's sense of priorities. So if you said that you hated someone, that only meant that you were putting something before that person. That there was something you were more worried about then the person you "hated". It had absolutely nothing to do with how you felt about the person, it was just a matter of one's priorities.

I think that's the problem with the world we live in today. We take our vocabulary and use the same words for different meanings. A situation or event that happened a couple decades ago means something completely different these days. We've been doing this since before we even started our nation. Take, for instance, the War for Independence. It was us against the British, and we were obviously more "with the times", including our war tactics. We hid in bushes, dressed in dark colors, and ambushed the British. The British, well, they wore red with big, white X's across their chests and stood in a single line taking turns firing into the forests where we were hiding. They obviously didn't get the memo that times had changed.

So what am I saying? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I think what I mean to say is that our country has always been one to move too fast for it's own good, and it doesn't look like it's slowing down any time soon.

Soldier on, soldier on. Keep your heart close to the ground.

Wow. Talk about a change in pace! Let's take these past three days in steps, shall we?

Tuesday-

Basically getting all last minute stuff out of the way for starting college the next day. I got a call at around 3:30 in the afternoon from a manager at Raley's. They wanted to call me in for an interview, and of course I was all for it. I said of course, and we worked out that I would go take the interview at 3:00 the next day.

Wednesday-

I woke up at around 6:00 in the morning, because of course my internal alarm clock couldn't wait up for my actual alarm clock, which was set for 8:15. I woke up, read the rest of an amazing book Amanda let me borrowed, which was named "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". It was such a good book! By that time it was around 8, and I decided to get up and go for a bike ride. It was really nice outside and the perfect weather for a bike ride. Then I got ready, and drove over the inconvenient hill to Las Positas. When I got there, parking was so scarce that it took me 10 minutes to find a spot, and I was an hour early for my class. The first classes I had were really great, and even though parking was horrible and the parking lot was so crowded, it was a great first day at school!

Then I went to the interview. Well, first I rushed home as fast as I could to change, and then I went to the interview. I felt that it went good, but it was super short, so I was a little skeptical. Still, all I could do was hope.

Thursday-

No bike ride for me today, which would have been a good idea, because I was really bored from about 7, when I woke up, to 11:30, when I left for school. The parking was even worse today! I spent at least 20 minutes trying to find a spot, and once I did, it was all the way on the other side of campus. My first class today was really good, and I liked the teacher, but the best thing happened when the class got out. I got a text from my dad saying that I should call back Cynthia from Raley's. I did, and she offered me the job, and of course I was excited and said YEESSS!!!! Maybe not quite as drastic, but I definitely thanked her enough times. So after I attended my next class, drove home, ate a sandwich, searched high and low for my birth certificate, I am typing this up. I have to turn in some information tomorrow and then I have orientation in Modesto next friday and saturday. And then I can work.

I really like how quickly things have changed. Was it just summer? What was holding me back? What was pushing on the threshold of summer and college with so much force that right when college started, another door opened; a door which I have been trying to pick and ram through or receive some sort of answer from for so long? I don't know. But I am so thankful. God, You are so good, because I've been praying to You about this forever, and finally You came through, just like You always do.

So thank You.

"I guess my summer vacation... is over..."

~Roxas, Kingdom Hearts II

I got to actually use a Kingdom Hearts quote in my post! My blog is no complete! Ok maybe not, but I'm still pretty excited about that. Anyway, this is officially my last post of summer vacation. Tomorrow I go to Las Positas for my first full semester of college. I'm excited, but at the same time I am a little nervous. Both of these feelings are mixed together with a sense of curiosity, because I'm very interested to see if I will like this year or not. I think I will, but then again, life takes some very mysterious turns, that's for sure.

I can safely say that this summer turned out to be absolutely nothing like I had expected. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing because I can easily say that this was the best summer I've ever had. This was the best year I've ever had, hands down. This year I had the biggest and most loving group of friends ever, and it's gonna be hard to find people as amazing as them. I loved this year, and I owe it all to my loving and supportive family and my amazing friends.

I think the only two goals I have for this year are 1) To make my first year of college successful and enjoyable, and 2) to stay in touch with all of my friends while we are at our separate grounds of education.

I think I can make it happen, but I just have to be very positive about the whole situation. I need to be positive.

Hey everyone, well I got nowhere to go. The grave is lazy; He takes our bodies slow.

"I'm gonna miss you. I'm gonna miss you when you're gone. She says, I love you. I'm gonna miss hearing your songs."

Today's post has two quotes. Both being from the same song, and even though the song is actually about death, I'm interpreting it right now as people leaving.

I'm going to miss my friends so much when they leave me. I have 4 friends leaving this week, and at least 5 more leaving over the next 2-5 weeks. A few of them are only going to be living 20 minutes away, but the rest are gonna be too far for me to visit regularly. Sure, there's always facebook, but I've learned from experience that there is nothing quite like sitting down with a friend or two and talking about life, even if you just saw them the day before.

Lately I've found myself constantly stalked by this feeling of helplessness. And I know that the reason why is because people I love are walking away from me. It's not personal, it's just life, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I don't want them to leave. I want them to stay, and I want us to get together and laugh and cry and love like we have been for the last year. It's a beautiful dream, but... Well, you know the feeling you get when you're having a really great dream, and something wakes you up, and then you desperately want to fall back asleep and dream it again, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't get back to sleep? It's that sort of feeling.

I'm getting really tired of these sad posts, and I know they say that it's not a goodbye unless you are never going to see that person again, which is the exact opposite for some of the people that are leaving, but for lack of a better phrase... Goodbye Raymund, Sara, Olivia, Barbara, Stephanie, Sheena, Amanda, and Christophe. I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.

To whom it may concern.

Like me. Although a lot of people I know have been acting weird lately, I've been concerned about one friend in particular. They have been really distant and I haven't heard much from them lately, and what I did hear from them ended up just being an argument. I find it grimly curious how one can act one way about any sort of situation, but when one thing comes along, their whole way of addressing things goes up in flames.

Maybe I just don't understand the situation fully, but it frustrates me nonetheless. I wish they could clear their head instead of handling it like they do. But then again, maybe I just shouldn't be so involved. Hmmm. I'm not sure.

We will live like fire and gold.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEIypQMIqNQ

(I'm not really sure if this will turn into a hyperlink, but if it doesn't, just type in the url)

I've always loved this song and I've never been able to find a copy of it to download anywhere. Apparently it was a "free gift" song that Switchfoot gave out if you bought one of their cd's at a certain event. So in short, only a select amount of people got the song -.-

Anyway, here are the lyrics. I think they really apply to our lives at the moment. Plus I've always thought these lyrics were great!

You've been living life like it's a sequel
and your already bored with the plot
as if the cast and the score
are more money than before
But the script and the backdrops are stock

We've got the rest of our lives to regret
All the words that were said here tonight
but i bet that the morning, in the morning
You'll find us in bloom

So C'mon C'mon C'mon
Let's not be our parents
Oh C'mon C'mon C'mon
Let's follow this trough
Oh C'mon C'mon C'mon
Everything's waiting

We will rise with the wings of the dawn
When everythings new [2x]

Ever size up with summer sun?
Let these songs awaken the dawn
Let us beathe every breath
like a gift to be kept
Let us breathe it all in till it's gone

We've got the rest of our lives to live out
All these dreams we stay up tonight talking about
In the morning, start hoping, to not be too soon

So C'mon C'mon C'mon
Let's abandon this darkness
Oh C'mon C'mon C'mon
Let's follow this through
Yeah so C'mon C'mon C'mon
Everything's waiting
We will live like fire and gold
when everything's new [8x]

Well does she want to feel like new?

Today the mandatory school "kiddies" went back to their classes in order to knock off another year in the realm of education. It felt really strange waking up today. In fact, I woke up at around 6:30, which is the usual time that I would wake up for school. It's like my body knows that I should be getting up to drive to school and that I'm not entirely over the fact that I'm not in high school anymore.

I start my classes in a week, and even though I'm not moving, it's still going to be something different. I have to drive over a hill for half an hour instead of arriving at my destination in 6 minutes. And as scared as I am for this chapter in my life to start, I'm also excited for it to happen. I think we are all ready to move on to bigger and better things. We all want to feel like new; some more than others. Some of our friends fell like they've already said what's needed to be said for them here, and that they need to move on. Even though it saddens me to see these people so ready to leave my friends and I, I know where they are coming from, and I think the feeling they have is completely fine. And if they feel like that, well then that just means they are ready for what's next, and I take my hat off to them. You, my friend, are very brave, and I know that you will do great things in your future; things that I hope to be able to witness someday.

Personally, I'm going to have some trouble tearing myself away from my comfort zone and moving on. It's not that I don't want to continue moving forward in the story of my life, it's just that I've always been a very cautious person, and it's hard for me to just jump into something new.

I remember when I was very young, my family was visiting my grandparents in Fremont. Their apartment was nestled right up against a train track, and whenever the train went by, it made an obnoxiously loud noise. I didn't like loud noises. So when the train did come by that day, when the back door was wide open, and blew it's horn and made it's noise, I ran to the couch and stuffed my head in between the cushions like an ostrich. And I think I've done that sort of thing my whole life, act like an ostrich. This next chapter in my life is going to be a very loud and obnoxious train, and it's going to talk all the willpower that I possess not to run to a safe place and hide away. Because you can't run away from life, just like you can't run away from sound. You can hide it, muffle it, tune it out, cover it up, and even fly faster than it, but eventually, it always finds you.

The trick is not to be afraid when it does find you. Aye, there's the rub.

I get it out, dig it deeper, just to throw it away.

Today I worked out for the first time in possibly a year or so. It was nothing like the workouts I used to do, either, but it felt great! I actually pushed myself a lot harder than I thought I could or usually do. I think that's one thing that I have always had trouble with; pushing myself farther than I feel like I can go. I think this is a really necessary quality to have, because it shows that you can do what you put your mind to even when your body, or your flesh, can't seem to go on. It's a quality to be proud of, in my opinion, and I'm going to try and work on it as much as I can.

And what is your name?

I always hate when I find out something about my friends that I don't like. What I dislike even more is the fact that when I find this stuff out, I tend to feel let down. I think it's because I really put a lot of trust into my friends, and when I find out they've been lying to me, or just leaving out information that would be nice to know, I feel disappointed. I shouldn't. I mean, it's not really my place. People have the right to act however they like and do whatever they want. But as much as I know this is just how life is, it bugs me.

I'm not a normal teenager. I'm much less curious about normal teenage things, like alcohol and drugs for one, and I tend to focus on the good in people, and completely ignore the bad. It needs to change, but at the same I don't want to change because I like the way I am. I want to mature, yes, but I don't want to lower my standards or expect different things from my friends, even though I know I'll be let down.

So here is my goal: Find a way to mentally accept the decisions my friends make without lowering my standards of what friends I choose. And without doing what my friends do in order to accept them. It's going to be hard, I think, but sometimes I feel like I'm not up to speed on what people do these days. I guess I'm just not sure. Hmmmm.

Children, wake up.

Interesting how life works, huh? How you can go from being in this awesome mood for a few weeks, then feel crappy for a few, and back up to that sweet spot for a while? It really is fascinating. You know, there's this place I like to be at with my life. It's really easy to describe, in fact so easy that I don't feel I need to describe it to you because I bet you get exactly what I'm saying.

My previous english and drama/film studies teachers would be very proud of me for this, but I feel as if this summer has been a "hero's journey" for me. Now, I won't bore you with details, but I indeed had a call to action and mentor. I absolutely had a threshold, and it had a guardian. I definitely had an abyss, a redemption, and a return home. At the beginning of the summer I felt like I was at this sweet spot, and then it left me. For a while I was in the "abyss" and I need to find some sort of life line to get me out of there. I did, and now I'm back to where I was, in that rightful place I love so much. And do you know how I know I'm there? By what I said tonight.

Tonight I reflected on a very normal, very common night and realized just how much I enjoyed myself. "Tonight was fun". In the language of Pryzstowskism, that means that I'm happy. That I'm not necessarily in my comfort zone, but I'm not necessarily out of it either, but no matter which way you look at it, I'm not uncomfortable. I feel like I'm ready to start something new. As a good friend of mine said tonight, "I'm going to miss nights like this, but it's time for a new beginning."

That it is, my friend, that it is. It's time we realized why we graduated high school in the first place. It's time we woke up and realized that we're not children anymore, and as much as we would love to go back in time to when things were much more simple, we have to move on to a place where things are even more complicated. And I think I'm finally ready. I love all of my friends that have gotten me this far, but I think it's time that we buckled our seat belts and started the trip already.

It really is funny how attached you can get to people, isn't it? I wonder if God ever sat down and said to himself, "and I want to make sure that when they go their separate ways, they really feel it deep down. I want them to know that this is how you should love one another. By longing for their next greeting, even before the last one has ended."