Just a Filthy Backslider

That's the thought that keeps nagging in the back of my mind lately. I haven't gone to church in a few weeks, and I feel really bad about it. It's not that I don't want to learn about God and the Word, it's that I'm always so busy on the weekends that when I think about waking up early I'm just like ".... no."

I need to go to church, it's how I grow as a christian, since I don't have an official small group yet. The college group that I could have gone to is on sundays at 6, and since I'm almost always scheduled to work sunday evenings, I've got no time to go to it. I don't understand why small group leaders don't like to put small groups on weekdays. I like weekday small groups. It's like getting church twice a week, except it's much more involved. Involved is good. Involved makes you think; makes you question things, and that makes you grow.

So I guess my options are: A) Get up in the morning and go to church, thus being wiped out for my 8-hour work day, B) Go to Gary's high school small group on tuesday, C) both of the previous mentioned, D) None of the previous mentioned or, E) Find a small group on a different day. I like choice E. I still want to get up in the mornings for church, just not when I have to work all day right after.

As much as I enjoy work, it does complicate things.

Dear Friend of Mine,

Well, Stephanie, this is it. You are finally on your way out of California and in to Oregon to start the rest of your life. Are you excited? I know I am! It's actually funny; I'm excited for my friends to get to school and start making something of themselves. Weird, right?

I just wanted to say thank you, and what better place than here, on the blog that you inspired me to start? I know what you're thinking. Why not in person? The truth is, when I said goodbye to you at your house last night, I really wanted to say a really heart felt goodbye, but I felt like if I did, it would have been awkward, given our most recent "endeavor", if you will. I regret feeling that way, because I don't think I gave you the goodbye you deserved, so I'm doing the next best thing, and saying it here.

I have so much to thank you for. You have been such a great friend to me this past year, and I've enjoyed every second of the time I've spent with you! I'm always going to remember how during Romeo and Juliet, we would run to each other from opposite sides of the back-stage, curve our fingers into a hook, and do our very best impression of a pirate saying "Mercooootio!", while trying to be as quiet as we possibly could. Despite all of the inside jokes that I've made with my friends this past year, that had to be one of my favorite. Even if it didn't last as long as "Yeeaauugghh!!!".

That brings me to the next thing, Drama. Thank you for bringing me into Drama. I went to almost every show of the first 3 years of high school, and every time I saw a show I thought that it would be so cool to act like they could. So when it came time to pick for classes, I finally decided that I would put Drama in there. I didn't make the decision on my own, as I vaguely remember asking you about how you liked drama Junior year. You said something along the lines of it being the best thing in the world, and I knew I had to try it. Even more, when it came time for the first show that we could audition for last year, you pushed me to audition, and I did and almost had a heart attack there in front of Lish. But I got the part and after the show was over, I knew I loved acting, and all of it was thanks to you. So thank you.

I also thought blogs were lame and uncool until I saw the sort of things you posted on them. It was all stuff about, well, anything you wanted. You could say your mind to whoever you wanted, and although it was public, at the same time, you could use your writing style and code words to make it so only those who really knew about the situation would know what you were talking about. But it was also a good way to reflect on life, and I needed that, so in the end, you inspired me to start one, and now I'm using it to thank you for doing so.

There's so much more I can thank you for, but I don't think it needs to be said here, because I'm sure you already know. Oregon is going to be amazing for you, and although you said you don't need my help deciding whether or not you will have a good time, you were doubting only a little while ago, so here's to reinforcement. This is the start of the rest of your life, and I've no doubt that I will see your name somewhere in the future, whether in print or in lights.

I've also no doubt that we will see each other again soon. I mean, obviously, because of thanksgiving breaks and such, but I'm talking about in the future. I took to heart what you said, and I'm trying to let things go. I believe I am actually making some progress, as the thought of my friends gone doesn't even make me sad anymore, but hopeful. I've moved from missing those great friends that have gone on to different things, to being thankful that I even had a chance to be their friend in the first place.

Anyway, I think I've rambled on enough, don't you think? I love you Stephanie, and I'll miss you very much, but I'm excited for the things you are going to do in your life. This isn't goodbye, this is "see you soon"

:)

"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death."

I don't know who said the above quote, but I've always thought it was an interesting one. What I do know is simply the fact that sometimes, life disgusts me. This morning at around 3, an hour after I went to bed, four teenagers were killed in a car accident. They were apparently speeding, on a road that I take to school everyday, and the sharp turn proved too much for their speed, causing them to flip off of the embankment into the canal. The car was upside down in the water, and nobody was able to get out.

Needles to say, it's a very sad day in Tracy, California. All four of the teenagers were from high schools around Tracy, some on their way to college. I hate days like this. It's extremely depressing, and it just doesn't make it any better that people comment on it, even though they mean well. I just don't like dwelling on unnecessary sadness like that. And by unnecessary, I mean that the deaths could have been avoided. There's nothing that gets me more on edge than someone losing their life for a stupid, completely avoidable reason.

Well, it looks like I'm making myself dwell on it. Let's hope the rest of the week is better than today, eh?

Rest in peace, Carol Phan, and the others involved in the accident. You will be sorely missed and lovingly remembered. May God lead you and your families to rest and ease.

A heart that isn't worth breaking isn't worth much at all.

There it is again. One of those ideas just popped into my head again, and I wrote it down, and now I'm debating whether or not I want to try and start writing something for this one. I think I'm going to keep the idea in mind, but instead of going ahead and writing it, I'm going to read. I received this really interesting guide book to writing fiction from one of my good friends for my birthday. It's called The Art of War for Writers, and although I've barely skimmed it so far, it looks like it's going to be very helpful.

I've just started so many projects and never got anywhere with them because I never fully thought out the idea. I started it, thought that it was good, rushed to produce some sort of start/filler of what it would be about, and then lost track of where I was going. Even if it turns out crappy or not how I expected, I just want to finish an idea. Maybe this book will help? I guess there's only one way to find out!

Like a spare button.

It's funny how we work. How someone can say something to you and it makes you really upset. Then they say it to you again later on and you sort of just nod your head and say "yeah, I know exactly what you mean". It's even funnier when someone says something to you that doesn't make you upset at all, but makes you think, and then once you do think about it, you realize that it would have made you upset if they had said it any earlier. And that their timing couldn't have been better. So good job on the timing, and you're welcome, although I don't really feel like I deserved thanks in the first place.

Well my birthday was quite fun. I had expected it to be a fairly boring day, but it was actually really, really nice! I got to have a great lunch with my mom and sister (my dad was working at the bean festival, so he couldn't come), work a very short shift, and then spend some more time with my family and some friends. I'm really glad they celebrated with me, and I want to thank them, because even though I didn't do anything very exciting for my 18th birthday, it was nice to see them. Plus, my sister bought me Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep, so I've been freaking nerding it up for the past few days. Thank you Anna! AAAHHHH!!! :D

I look forward to the rest of this week, and soon some more of my friends will be leaving for college. These two will be the last, and I'll be sad to see them go, because they've both been really amazing friends since I've met them. But I'm very excited for them, and I'm sure I'll be able to spend some time with them before they head off to marvel the world.

Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption.

Today is my birthday :) 18 years ago, today, I was being birthed (lol) in a hospital of which the name escapes me, in the city of San Jose. Yup, finally 18 years old. It really doesn't feel any different from 17, or 16 for that matter, but I'm glad that I've been fortunate enough to see the day that I become an adult.

It's funny how things change, and how when we try to imagine where we will be in the future, we are usually fairly far from the truth. On this day, last year, you would have seen me sitting on a bench outside of Olive Garden talking with my grandfather about my audition for the upcoming Tracy High show Romeo and Juliet, and how nervous I was. He told me not to worry, and that if anyone would be picked for the play, it would be me. Guess who was right?

I was at my work today and as I was pulling in carts from the fairly spacious parking lot, I thought about where I would've have been 6 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, elementary school, but I also thought about where I will be in the future. In a year, I see myself still at Las Positas, still trying to shove that G. E. out of the way. In two years time, I see myself at a four year college, maybe somewhere down south, learning about the mind and why people do what they do, with new faces, new places, and new experiences.

Who knows? Maybe my ideal future is totally off from what it will be? Maybe it's spot on? All I know is that I'm slowly learning that the future is where to look, and I'm very hopeful about my future.

Let's make this year a good one. In fact, let's make it better than last year. It's gonna be hard to top, but I know we can do it. What do you say?

Oh I imagine things. Why does this speak to me?

Yesterday I had the chance to finally go visit some of my friends at their college/home of choice, University of the Pacific. I've heard a lot about the school and how much they enjoy it, so I was really excited to finally be able to go take a look at the campus.

I fell in love with it. The architecture of the buildings and the trees are simply beautiful! It really is the way I think a college should look, or in other words, my ideal look for college. It's a really nice campus, and I'd love to go there, but it's really a matter of tuition. Because it's a private school, the tuition and housing together is ridiculous, and although I know I shouldn't rule out a school because of the money, it just tends to be a deciding factor, whether or not I want it to be.

Still, while I continue to look at other colleges and do research about where to go in my future, I'll keep UOP in mind, just in case.

Speaking of other colleges, where do I want to check out? UC Santa Barbara for sure, but I have to check out more than that. Santa Clara maybe? I hear it's beautiful over there too. Maybe Irvine? But what about schools that aren't necessarily down south? Northern schools are an option, but I really don't know about very many northern schools.

Research, research, research. That's what I need to do.

Whatever it was you said, I need more.

I miss reading for fun :(

I think the only book that I've read this summer for the fun of reading was the book Amanda let me borrow, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". As great of a book as that was, one is not enough for a few months! Oh, and there was "The Necromancer" and that sad attempt at reading the new Rick Riordan series. Sorry Rick, it just wasn't that interesting. But as of late I haven't had the funds to keep buying books to read. I know what you're thinking! "Go to the library, you half wit!" Well I would, but the thing is, our public library seems to be caught in this weird time rift where no books can seem to reach it. The result is a very scarce supply of reading material, and the stuff that they do have, is old and torn up.

No thank you.

Plus I have this weird thing with books. I'm fine borrowing a book from a friend, reading it, then returning it. But otherwise, I want that book to be mine! The actual physical book is like a little picture frame that reminds me of all the well spent hours reading it's contents. In other words, I love to buy books. That said, now that I have a job, I really hope I can set aside at least a little bit of cash to buy some reading books. I really do miss just sitting on the couch and reading for a few hours.

I had a good quote for this post, but I don't feel like this post was important enough for such a good quote.

I'm sitting on my couch in my pj's watching George Lopez and drinking some water. I've got a headache, I'm tired, and I'm really bored. Besides any of that, I'm really happy right now. I've got a long couple of days coming up, but those 3 days of work is followed by 3 days off from work, so I'm excited about that. Funny thing, today was the day I was supposed to get payed, except for the fact that as I was clocking out, I completely forgot about the fact that I was earning money for working, and just went on my merry way.

I feel really dumb about that, but hey, my excuse is that I'm not used to getting payed. So I'm gonna stick with that excuse! Well, that's about it. Until next time!

This one's 'bout a dream I had last night.

I woke up today in a very joyous mood. I had the strangest dream last night that involved San Diego, a huge storm, and a girl named Clara, and when I woke up I was actually happy. I found this strange, coupled with the fact that I remembered the dream so clearly, so I decided to write it all down before I forgot it, so I could go back and look at the different parts of it. It ended up being two pages typed after I had summarized it, and I put it away in a safe place so that I could read it again when I had time.

I also received a very wise piece of advice from a friend this morning. I think letting go of my friends has been the biggest problem for me, but that advice I got from her has kinda helped me to step back and say, "You're right. I have been foolish about the whole situation and I need to let go." I just wanted to thank you for that advice, because I totally agree with you, and I took everything you said to heart.

Today has turned out to be really nice so far. I think today is going to be a good day. :)